"Friendship - an Antidote to Brokenness"
Sermon Presented March 11, 2007
1 Samuel 20:1-17
Third Sunday of Lent
In the July 5, 2006 issue of the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel (p. 14A), there was an article by Ellen Goodman titled "Where'd all of our friends go?" Goodman began with a study by a Duke University sociologist Lynn Smith-Lovin, author of "Social Isolation in America." Smith-Lovin was listening to a radio talk show while riding in the back seat of a taxi, when she heard the caller confess her affairs with a new boyfriend and a not-yet-former husband, and the hosts offer their tacky on-air opinion. We wonder why someone would share such an intimate life story with an on-air radio host, but Smith-Lovin believes that the caller had no friend to share these intimate details with.
A face-to-face study of 1467 adults turned up some disheartening news. One-fourth of all Americans report that they have nobody to talk to about important matters! Another quarter report they are just one person away from nobody. But the most startling fact is that this study is a replica of one done 20 years ago, and in just two decades, from 1985 to 2004, the number of people who have no one to talk to has doubled. And the number of confidants of the average American has gone down from three to two.
Goodman goes on to say that "The people you are closest to form your informal safety net. They're the ones who see you through a life crisis, lend you their spare bedroom or pick up your kids at school in a pinch. Social isolation is as big a risk factor for premature death as smoking." She added that many people now "outsource" intimacy from friends to professional therapists and talk shows. People who are broken desperately need someone to talk with.
The Bible tells many stories about friendship. The four friends who bring the paralytic to Jesus through the roof; and Jesus' friendships with his disciples and Mary and Martha come to mind. However, I chose a story from the Hebrew Scriptures - the familiar story of David and Jonathan's friendship. Hear the story from 1 Samuel 20:1-17.
Much to the chagrin of Jonathan's father, King Saul, David and Jonathan have a close friendship. Because of the king's insane jealousy of David, he is obsessed with killing him. This story tells of a plot between David and Jonathan to save David's life. The text ends with Jonathan and David reaffirming their love for one another.
Close friendships like this are dwindling in our culture. Participation in adult team sports, fraternities and sororities, benevolent and social organizations, and the church are on the decline. It takes time and effort to develop and maintain friendships, and in our busy society, most people don't take the time necessary to develop close friendships.
In the current issue of Weavings magazine (XXII: 2), there is an article titled "On Our Faces Together" - a story of the deep friendship between three ministers who met 25 years ago in seminary. Their friendship has endured time, distance, and disagreement as they meet twice a year, have fun and openly discuss social and theological issues. While they sometimes have serious disagreements, their friendship remains solid because of their commitment to each other. That's what friendship is all about!
I recently listened to the CD book by Carol Radziwill, What Remains, a memoir of her friendship with Carolyn Kennedy, John Jr.'s wife. Both she and Carolyn came from "ordinary" backgrounds and yet married into the Kennedy family. When Carol's husband Anthony - John Kennedy's cousin and best friend - was dying of cancer, it was Carol's friendship with Carolyn that saved her sanity. Their friendship gave Carol an outlet for her grief, anger and stress. John and Carolyn's plane crashed three weeks before Anthony died, leaving Carol all alone. Friends are there in time of trouble and do what they can to protect and save the other. There is often as much grief over the death of a close friend as over the death of a family member.
Friendship is based on love, and yet Morton Kelsey wrote in The Other Side of Silence (p. 58) that "Much of the time, what passes for love is merely projection, which can actually keep individuals from knowing other persons. We project a part of ourselves upon the other person and actually do not see that person. When real love does occur, an individual is accepted by the other person no matter what is revealed about that individual, and this kind of love is not easy…. Whenever real love and relationship develop between human beings, they face the demanding task of coming to terms with the less pleasant elements of themselves. God offers a far more accepting love than any human relationship, and we actually shy away from it because of the deepening honesty and growth it requires, both of which involve shedding one's skin time after time. This is difficult and demanding."
Some people can't develop a friendship with God because they have been taught to fear God by the Church and by parents. It never occurs to them that God might be exactly like Jesus said in words and life, so they keep up their defenses. A friendship with God through Jesus is necessary for Christians. The hymn "I Must Tell Jesus" speaks an important concept for us to hold on to. Listen to the first stanza: "I must tell Jesus all of my trials; I cannot bear these burdens alone; in my distress he kindly will help me; he ever loves and cares for his own."
Here are some characteristics of friendship and love that apply to our relationships with both God and people.
1. We exercise freedom of speech. We don't withhold our true feelings, but respectfully speak our minds and then listen to the others' response. When we listen to another with attention and respect, we offer a priceless gift.
2. We don't fear a friend. When there is fear in a relationship, there can be no friendship.
3. Friends don't attempt to control each other. This is especially true in the deepest friendship of marriage.
4. Friends hold one another accountable. If I tell a friend I will do something, then I should follow through. Jonathan asked David to care for his family should something happen to him. When Jonathan was killed, David found Jonathan's crippled son Mephibosheth and his son and brought them into his own home as family.
5. Friends aren't jealous of one another. Jonathan had good reason to be jealous of David, because Jonathan was the King's son and next in line for the throne. However, jealousy was never a part of their relationship.
6. Friends have a mutuality of need. Friendship is a two-way street, and not a relationship where one person gives all of the time and the other receives everything.
7. Friends don't let resentments build. They talk through their differences and then offer absolute forgiveness. This takes time and effort, but it must happen for a friendship to survive. This is the basis for the friendship that the three seminary students maintain in their relationship.
8. Friends accept the differences of the other. People aren't alike and we do things differently. We handle situations differently. I don't know why opposites attract, but it happens in marriage and friendships - and it seems that an opposite completes us. Our lives are enriched by friendships that cross economic, age, racial, intellectual, gender, geographic, cultural and religious boundaries. Remember Owen and Mzee - a hippo and a tortoise - and their great friendship! (click here to better understand this reference)
In John 15:15, Jesus tells his followers that he no longer calls them servants but he calls them friends because he has shared with them everything that he heard from God. That kind of sharing is a strong attribute of friendship!
I entered college in 1957, and there I met Joy Stone. Joy graduated at the end of that school year and moved to Platte City, MO as a social worker. A couple of years later, she married John George, a resident of Platte City. When I graduated in January of 1961, I married a Platte County native, moved to Platte City, and began teaching school. Joy and I met again at First Baptist Church, and our friendship took root!
We had much in common besides graduating from the same college, living in the same community and attending the same church. A weekly prayer group and both of us adopting children through the Missouri Baptist Children's Home were other factors. Once when Miss Mulvania, the case worker for the Children's Home came to visit Joy in a surprise visit, Joy called me immediately after she left to tell me she was on her way to my home. I quickly told the boys to help me pick things up because Miss Mulvania was coming. When the doorbell rang, six-year old Gary went to the door and said: "Why Miss Mulvania, it's so good to see you." She replied: "How did you remember my name?" to which Gary said: "Mom told me you were on the way!" I then had to tell her that Joy warned me of the visit.
Joy's husband John is dying of cancer. When I asked Joy what I could do for her, she said: "Just be there as my friend to listen." That's what friendship is all about! Friends are precious gifts that help us to survive our brokenness. Friends help us walk forward with the knowledge that we are never alone. Let's resolve to do our part to nurture the gift of friendship with God and people. It's worth the effort!
