"Why Forgive?"
Sermon Presented February 10,
2008
Lent I - Forgiveness Series
Genesis 33:1-11
In the Sports section of the February 1, 2008 issue of the Journal Sentinel (C1), there was an article that described the anger Ron Wolf, former General Manager of the Packers, continues to feel toward Mike Holgren. Ten years after a coaching decision that Wolf believes cost the Packers a Super Bowl victory, the memories are fresh and the recriminations endless! Wolf believes that if the obvious adjustments that Holgren knew needed to be made had been made; the Packers would have won Super Bowl 32.
Wolf stated: "I'm probably still not over it. It's like a dot in history now…. But for somebody to bring it up and explain to you what could have been done and what should have been done, it rekindles the fire." Wolf's anger and inability to forgive have simmered for a decade - all because of a coaching decision.
An intense anger over a much more grievous act begins with Esau - the older brother by seconds - toward his twin, Jacob when Jacob cheats him out of his inheritance and birthright as the first-born son. Esau vows to kill him, so Jacob flees to Paddan-aram where his mother's family lives and there he builds a new life - marrying sisters - Rachel, the one he loves and her older sister Leah, the one he was tricked into marrying. Jacob works for 14 years for Rachel and then another six tending his father-in-laws flocks and amassing his own wealth in livestock. When the time is right, Jacob takes his family and livestock and leaves. Twenty years after leaving home, Jacob returns to Esau to seek forgiveness. Hear the story from Genesis 33:1-11.
This is a story of a 20-year estrangement between brothers. Jacob knows he must repair the damage from his deceit, and it can only be repaired by seeking Esau's forgiveness. He understands the devastation his deception caused and his guilt is heavy. God works in him to give him the desire to repair the relationship and works in Esau to prepare him to forgive his brother.
When Esau learns that Jacob is on the way, he takes 400 men and goes to meet him. When he sees Jacob, he runs to him, embracing and kissing him. When they meet, Jacob believes he sees the face of God in the face of his brother. That's what forgiveness looks like - for both the one who repents and seeks forgiveness and for the one who accepts the offer.
In this story, everything works out well, but that's not always the case! Why should we forgive? Why should we help another to salve their guilt? There are several advantages to forgiveness, and one is that it makes us happier by lifting the weight of unforgiveness and anger from our hearts. Both those who forgive and those who are forgiven are usually happier - as were both Jacob and Esau.
Another reason to forgive is that it improves our mental, physical and spiritual health. The December 2005, Mayo Clinic Health Letter included an article titled Forgiveness and Health. Health professionals now accept that buried anger and unforgiveness can eat away at us and cause headaches, anxiety, depression, stomach problems, insomnia, and mental illness. Our minds and bodies can't handle an unwillingness to forgive. Forgiveness disengages us from our inner turmoil so we can abandon thoughts of revenge and find peace.
Yet another reason to forgive is that forgiveness breaks down the walls between humans and between humans and God, making reconciliation possible. When we fail to forgive another, our relationship with that person is damaged - as is our relationship with God. The psalmist in Psalm 51 implores God to forgive him. He can't stand the alienation that is present between him and God.
Forgiveness benefits all of our relationships! When we are angry, we tend to drag others into our network of shunning and revenge. I recall an occasion when I made a critical remark about my Ex to my son, and he said: "Mom, I'll tell you what I told Dad. I don't want to hear it!" When we forgive, we don't try to get even and we don't try to get others to take our side.
God's children should be willing to forgive, and we should also be willing to accept forgiveness. But sometimes it's difficult to forgive - especially when the one needing to be forgiven has prospered, shows no sign of remorse, or doesn't ask for forgiveness. The anger of stockholders and employees of Enron toward Ken Lay was intense, and when Lay died, they saw no justice or recourse for their anger. Those who are divorced and see the other party succeed financially while they struggle, have a tough time forgiving. We want people to pay for their sins! Sometimes seeking justice and forgiving must go hand-in-hand. It's hard to forgive when we see no justice.
Jacob feels guilty because of his sins and he hates the estrangement his sins cost! He knows he was wrong and he's sorry. That goes a long way toward making reconciliation possible. But not everyone is sorry. Not everyone repents. Not everyone who should ask for forgiveness seeks forgiveness. Some gloat over the way they took advantage of another and celebrate the victory. They are the most difficult to forgive. It's much easier to forgive someone like Jacob who is sorry and offers to make amends.
When I was in seminary, I learned that a large number of young people at my church had been sexually abused by a former minister a decade before. This was devastating for the church family as well as for the victims and their families. The wounds of the victims were re-opened. Most had never talked about the abuse to anyone. New anger erupted toward the perpetrator and the church. It was several years before the minister went to trial because the statute of limitations had passed for these victims. When a recent victim came forward, the minister was charged, tried and convicted.
I didn't want to forgive this man. I blamed myself for not recognizing the signs. I needed to forgive him, myself, and even God for allowing it to happen. I asked a seminary professor why I should forgive him when he wasn't sorry and didn't ask for forgiveness, and he told me that I shouldn't forgive him for his sake but for mine. If I didn't forgive, I was the one who would suffer. Anne Lamott said that "Not forgiving is like drinking rat poison and then waiting for the rat to die." So I began working to forgive him and about 18 months later, I believed I had done so.
However, when I went to his trial and heard him say under oath that he would never do anything to hurt a young person, I exploded inwardly. My anger surged and I wrote on my legal pad in large child-like letters - LIAR! LIAR! On the way home, I knew I hadn't even scratched the surface of forgiveness, so I began again. Several years later when he went back to prison for a parole violation, I knew I had forgiven him because I could pray for him.
As we talk about forgiveness, let's look at what forgiveness isn't! It isn't saying that the act for which the offender needs to be forgiven was okay! There have been numerous articles in the newspapers about the sexual abuse in the Milwaukee Catholic Archdiocese. On February 1 of this year - on the front page of the Journal Sentinel, there was an article detailing documents of church cover up of the activities of the priest Franklyn Becker who after abusing children in Milwaukee, was moved to California without advising the California Archdiocese of the charges. In the article, Becker said that he had been "through the mill" and added: "There is a gospel of forgiveness and redemption, but that apparently doesn't apply to me." Forgiveness doesn't mean that you allow a pedophile to get off Scot free. There must be punishment for the offender and justice for the victims. Forgiveness isn't sanctioning cruel, unkind or illegal acts. It doesn't say that the action is now okay. However, when we forgive, we can take back control of our lives so that the other no longer controls our mental, spiritual or physical health.
Another thing to remember is that forgiveness isn't forgetting. Some say that we should forgive and forget, but that's not possible nor should we forget some things. We need to remember in order to help us maintain safe boundaries from someone who can hurt us again or to avoid a situation that could again place us in danger. Even though we forgive, we remember so that the injustices are not repeated. Reconciliation may not occur, and this is okay!
In order to forgive, we must acknowledge our pain. What another inflicted on us was wrong, damaged us deeply, and continues to damage us. Then we must decide to forgive, knowing that the process will be time-consuming. We may need to seek professional help or help from a minister or friend. A desire to begin the process is a crucial step.
One thing that helps me forgive is to find a new way to think about the person who hurt me. It wasn't until I began to realize that the minister who perpetrated the abuse had himself been sexually abused when he was a teenager that I was able to forgive him.
Martin Luther King, Jr. urged African Americans to forgive their persecutors who weren't even sorry because King understood that often the victim must make the first move. To do otherwise is to get caught in the formidable power of hatred. He said: "Hate is like a cancer and it is capable of destroying the person who hates."
Pride is one of the biggest obstacles to forgiveness. Pride keeps the offender from seeking forgiveness and it keeps us from granting forgiveness. For the process to work, we must swallow our pride and either offer or grant forgiveness.
Forgiveness brings healing, but the wounds need cleansing before healing can occur. Forgiveness allows us to look at our hurts directly, face the fact that we have been wounded, and then consciously and actively forgive. When we forgive, we can remember the offense without the memory controlling our feelings or behavior.
This morning, we have only touched the tip of the iceberg of the topic of forgiveness. We have briefly looked at why we should forgive. When we finish this series Easter Sunday, we still won't have covered this topic completely. But hopefully we will sense our need to forgive and begin the process - one person at a time. If we don't forgive, we are the ones who will suffer!
