"How Many Times?"
Sermon Presented March 2,
2008
Lent III - Forgiveness Series
Matthew 18:21-35 & Matthew 6:12-14
"Dear Abby: I am a 61-year-old man who has been faithful in his 35-year marriage. But I am very unhappy because I am continually hounded by my wife about previous mistakes I have committed. The incidents involved alcohol and smoking, and occurred many years ago. She has never forgiven me and brings up the subject frequently. My wife has withdrawn sex from me for 20 years because of her jealousy about my love for my mother. (Mom died in 1994.)
"I am so alone, but my wife will not seek counseling. If someone would just hug me!" Signed "Freezing to Death in Kansas." (Journal Sentinel 1/29/08)
This letter was written by a man who longs to be forgiven for offenses that occurred decades ago, but his wife withholds it from him.
This morning we are continuing our series on forgiveness as we look at two scripture passages - both from Matthew's gospel. Let me read the first from Matthew 18:21-35. Peter's question about forgiveness comes because of Jesus' previous comment about what to do if someone in the church sins against you. Peter wants to know what to do about the repeat offender. (Read text.)
Peter was probably like most of us. If you know the rules, life is much simpler. How many times should I forgive? When Jesus replies that he needs to forgive so many times that he loses count, I'm sure Peter's in shock.
The grievance in this parable is a monetary debt - outrageous in amount with no practical means for repayment. Not even the real estate loans of the past several years compare to the stupidity of this loan or the amount of debt. The king has the power to take everything the man has - his family, his possessions and his freedom. But when the slave pleads for time to pay, he receives more than he can imagine. His debt is completely forgiven. He owes nothing!
After the slave's debt is erased - as he goes out with his own forgiveness fresh in his mind - he seizes a fellow slave and demands payment of a debt owed him that is a tiny fraction of what he has just been forgiven. This second slave uses the same plea: "Have patience and I will repay you." But the first slave shows no mercy and throws the debtor into prison. How quickly we forget!
When the king hears about it, he immediately summons
the offending slave and pronounces judgment on him - handing him over
to be tormented until the entire debt is paid. The punch line: God will
do the same to you if you don't forgive your brother or sister from
your heart! Jesus says that God doesn't just want words; God wants forgiveness
from the heart.
C. S. Lewis writes in Letters to Malcolm:
"To forgive for the moment is not difficult. But to go on forgiving,
to forgive the same offence again every time it recurs to the memory
- there's the real tussle!" (p. 27).
We expect people to learn from their mistakes. We expect them to change
the behavior that hurts or irritates or damages us - and when they don't,
we harbor anger and resentment. It takes a generous person to continue
to forgive again and again and again, and Jesus tells us to be generous
with our forgiveness!
Sometimes we need to forgive a single act and other times a long series of hurts. Sometimes we forgive one person only to discover there are others we need to forgive. For example, a friend who was sexually abused by her father over a long period of time discovered that she also needed to forgive her mother for allowing the abuse to occur. These acts reoccur in the memory long after the abuse stops.
In the PBS special titled Jews in America, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg stated that the sign "No Dogs or Jews Allowed" that she saw as a child is branded on her memory. African Americans need to forgive a culture where 15% of their adult population is imprisoned, jobs that pay enough to support a family are in short supply, and schools in the inner city are sub standard. Sometimes we need to forgive again and again and again.
The first year I lived in Marysville, KS - 1995 - a mixed race couple moved into town. In the distant past, no African American could get a hotel room in this railroad town and Blacks had to enter the back doors of local businesses. Soon after this couple arrived, they found a cross burning on their front lawn - placed there by local KKK members. Several days later the occupants replaced the same cross - now painted white and adorned with flowers and the words Jesus Saves. Forgiveness reigned!
John McCain, the Republican candidate for President, was a prisoner of war for 5½ years in Viet Nam. He endured the unendurable and survived. He forgave the jailers who abused him, but admits that this forgiveness is a work in progress - a one day at a time struggle and balancing act. McCain says: "I'm a man of many failings. I make no bones about it. That's why I'm such a believer in redemption." (Newsweek February 11, 2008 p. 26)
Pastoral psychotherapist Dr. Robert Cunningham wrote that we need to approach the work of forgiveness with an attitude of willingness rather than willfulness. We need a willing attitude that allows the forgiveness process to work itself out rather than forcing it. Emotional healing takes time, so after making a commitment to forgive, we must be prepared to chip away at the mountain by forgiving again and again and again. (Robert Enright Forgiveness is a Choice, p. 135)
When we begin the process of forgiving, we accept that we have been hurt and have a right to feel hurt and angry, and yet we are ready to deal with our pain. This process changes our self-image from victim to survivor, and when this occurs, we can begin to separate the offender from her or his actions.
I have said this before, but it bears repeating. Trust shouldn't necessarily follow forgiveness. Sometimes we need to maintain safe boundaries because not all offenders cease to offend. Other times we need to pursue justice as a part of our healing. God will accompany us in our pain and guide us into health - often accompanied by a competent psychotherapist.
Seeking God through prayer helps to bring healing. Sometimes we wonder if God loves the offender too much because so many of Jesus' parables show God taking the side of the thief, the slacker, the prodigal son and the show-up-late worker. On the other hand, the faithful older brother, the hospitable elder sister, and the Pharisee who does his religious duties are told that they should be better sports. Garret Keizer, the author of The Enigma of Anger, writes that according to these parables, the Kingdom of God is like a third grade class in which a bully with fine clothes and lunch money to spare rips my shirt, spits on my sandwich, and then smirks as the teacher says we should shake hands, make up, and both say we are sorry.
We fail to understand that troublesome conjunction in the Lord's Prayer: "Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors." The totality of Jesus' teachings shows that our failed attempts to forgive are redeemed by God's love. Even our tentative forgiveness is precious to God and may be a key to understanding God. (p. 242)
We know we can't begin to forgive others as we would hope to be forgiven, but we also realize that we refrain from doing what we would like to do to the offender. Consequently, we begin to see that when we try to forgive and hold back from retaliation or a harsh word, a perfect God extends forgiveness to us. The as that we find so intimidating in the Lord's Prayer may hold more encouragement than we think. (Ibid. p. 243)
Matthew 6:12-16 - the final portion of the Lord's Prayer according to Matthew reads: "And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And do not bring us to the time of trial, but rescue us from the evil one." Now Matthew breaks from the prayer with these words: "For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you; but if you do not forgive others, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." God wants us to be willing to forgive and when we exhibit that willingness, God will help us through the process.
Forgiveness begins when we realize our need to forgive and then ask God for the grace to forgive. It begins by saying: I forgive a certain person or group of people. Forgiveness continues as we allow thoughts of specific incidents to emerge so we can deal with them one at a time. Sometimes we wonder if we will ever forgive, but we keep working on it. Forgiveness is a choice! You can choose to begin - or let it gnaw on you. What will you choose?
