"Accepting Forgiveness"
Sermon Presented March 16,
2008
Palm Sunday
Lent VI - Forgiveness Series
March 16, 2008
"Dear Abby: When I recently moved to Ohio, I left behind a group of dear friends. One of them, 'Cheryl,' and I talk on the phone almost every night…. Ten years ago, while I was away at college, the group had a falling out with Cheryl. It was silly and childish - it was over a 'boy.' Apologies were offered and it was soon forgotten. But Cheryl held a grudge and refused to speak to any of the others.
"Abby, more than a decade has passed. We're all married now, with kids and jobs. I love Cheryl dearly, but she refuses to reconcile. She's extremely sensitive, and the mere mention of the subject starts her whining about the 'mistreatment' she endured.
"… When I return home, I'm tired to splitting my time between her and the rest of my friends. How can I convince Cheryl that there is a group of girls who miss her terribly and just need for her to grow up enough to forgive?" Signed: Torn (Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, February 13, 2008 p. 3E)
The group of girls knew they had been wrong and apologized. However, the offended one refuses to accept their apologies and continues to manipulate her one remaining friend. Her refusal to move on with her life has poisoned all of her relationships - even the one with the letter writer.
Luke's gospel reports that when Jesus was on the cross, he said: "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do" (Luke 23:34). I'm sure some in the crowd were open to accept the proffered forgiveness and others were not. A Roman centurion said that Jesus must be God's Son (Mark 15:39) while other Romans jeered! One criminal hanging on a cross beside Jesus mocked him, while the other asked Jesus to remember him when he came into his kingdom. Some rejected the forgiveness offered and others accepted it. (Luke 23:34-43)
During this Lenten series, we have concentrated on a person's need to forgive. We've looked at scripture passages that support this premise. But how do these texts apply to people who can't accept the offered forgiveness or another's apology? I believe that just as pride keeps people from seeking forgiveness, pride also keeps people from accepting the repentance of another. Sometimes we can't accept forgiveness because we are unwilling to admit to the hurt we inflicted. Other times we believe the act we committed was so bad it can never be forgiven and we must continue to suffer. Sometimes self-condemnation interferes with our healing. When a person refuses to accept the offer of forgiveness from another, that refusal hurts everyone involved.
In his best selling memoir, The Measure of a Man: a spiritual autobiography, Sidney Poitier writes of forgiveness. As the first person of color to distinguish himself in Hollywood by earning an Oscar for his acting, Poitier faced racial prejudice. He writes that "Governor Wallace, before his death, said he was sorry for what he had done, and he spoke of the harm and the pain his views and actions caused. Jesse Jackson went to see him, and a form of absolution took place." Poitier adds that "when you genuinely and sincerely apologize for harm and pain, it's a sign that your life has taken you to another place from where you were when you caused the harm and pain and had no apologies to make. But the process is never simple, and words can never undo lives destroyed." (p. 106)
Many people refused to accept Wallace's apology because they were convinced that his apology was motivated by political ambition. Now he needed the Black vote because Blacks were registering in record numbers. That same skepticism holds for people who refuse to accept the apologies of political figures who have committed sexual sins. Just look at how often Bill Clinton's adultery comes up when Hillary's name is mentioned, or in the recent Elliot Spitzer resignation.
Poitier says that "a lot of Black leaders, along with a lot of sympathetic white people, would say it's too early in this country for forgiveness. We haven't dealt with accountability yet or admission of guilt yet. And we certainly don't have equality yet. But among the things that we must try to get done is the nurturing of a civilized, fair, principled, humane society. Now, if a part of that nurturing …would bring us to a new understanding, a new acceptance, even some forgiveness, what then? And not just forgiveness from the people who've been wronged. Forgiveness works two ways, in most instances. People have to forgive themselves for their behavior. That should be a sacred process." (p.128)
Many people cannot accept God's forgiveness, even though they believe God forgives. Neither can they forgive themselves for what they have done. The guilt over the offense is too strong to relinquish easily. In her poem "My Guilt", Maya Angelou writes:
My guilt is "slavery's chains," too long
the clang of iron falls down the years.
This brother's sold, this sister's gone,
is bitter wax, lining my ears.
My guilt made music with the tears.My crime is "heroes, dead and gone,"
dead Vesey, Turner, Gabriel,
dead Malcolm, Marcus, Martin King,
They fought too hard, they loved too well.
My crime is I'm alive to tell.My sin is "hanging from a tree."
I do not scream, it makes me proud.
I take to dying like a man.
I do it to impress the crowd.
My sin lies in not screaming loud. (The Complete Collected Poems of Maya Angelou, p. 45)
Angelou expresses her sense of guilt over the racial injustice of the past and her inability to forgive herself for her silent complicity in the atrocities. Being able to forgive self is necessary for our emotional and spiritual healing.
Dr. Robert Enright, a licensed psychologist and professor of psychology at the University of Wisconsin in Madison, was recently featured in the Journal Sentinel because of his work in the area of forgiveness. Enright, who wrote the book Forgiveness is a Choice, has created the first scientifically proven forgiveness program in the country, and shows how forgiveness can reduce anxiety and depression and increase self-esteem and hopefulness.
Enright states that although "forgiveness is a gift, it is not always a welcome one. We may not have realized that we injured someone, and therefore the forgiveness, no matter how sweetly it is delivered, carries with it the accusation that we did something wrong. We may know that we hurt another person but almost pretend that they didn't notice or weren't really hurt. The offer of forgiveness means that the pretending is over, and we must face what we have done. When we accept forgiveness, we should apologize if we have not already done so…. Because forgiveness is a gift, such gift-giving is the prerogative of the forgiver, not the forgiven. The latter's task is to graciously take the gift when offered. Of course, asking for forgiveness is in a certain sense a gift, particularly if the person offended is unable to forgive without being asked and is burdened by resentment and bitterness." (pp. 251-52)
Sometimes a refusal to accept forgiveness is based on the false belief that what has been done is so terrible that it can never be forgiven and so the offender must continue to suffer for the injustice. This is sometimes a cover for a deeper refusal to change the behavior that caused the problem. Other people may refuse to accept forgiveness because they believe that the past is past and should be forgotten. Nothing can change the past, so let's move on. The fact is that without forgiveness, the past wrongs can continue to do great harm. Forgiveness can alter our view of the past so we are no longer dominated by it. (Ibid. 260) Accepting forgiveness frees us.
Our successes rarely teach us as much as our failures do. When we don't ask for forgiveness and yet receive it, we often learn a painful truth about ourselves. We learn we aren't perfect! Surprise! Surprise! We learn what it means to be human - weak - fallible, and through this understanding we can grow. As we grow - accepting our own weaknesses, we can better accept the faults and weaknesses of others.
Let's remember that the past cannot be changed, but the future lies wide open. Our future health and happiness depend on offering and accepting forgiveness. The stakes are high! The rewards are rich!
